Theorists of adult attachment espouse the idea that: (more than one correct answer)
The attachment view of dependency is: (more than one correct answer)
A positive secure attachment relationship has two basic elements: (more than one correct answer)
When distressed, in the relationship or in life, a securely attached adult is likely to deal with his/her emotions by: (more than one correct answer)
What element would you not typically see in a secure attachment relationship?
To increase a person’s sense of attachment security the partner must become: (more than one correct answer)
When a person cannot get an attachment figure to respond/engage, separation distress occurs. The first two steps in this distress are:
In couples’ therapy these two steps—protest and seeking connection—show up as/look like the following: (more than one correct answer)
If there is still no emotional response from the partner, the last two steps of separation distress outlined in attachment theory are: (more than one correct answer)
In couples’ therapy, in which ways do these last two steps of separation distress show up?
Attachment concerns move to front and center and become compelling at particular times. In what way can these times be summarized?
As well as universal elements, attachment theory focuses on individual differences in attachment responses. The two basic dimensions of attachment insecurity that vary among individuals are:
These dimensions have resulted in three categories of insecure adult attachment responses (check the correct three categories below).
Aspects of anxious attachment may be accurately described in the following terms: (check accurate statements)
Fearful avoidant attachment is not associated with:
In the face of a relationship threat—perhaps a sexy, ambiguous phone message from the husband’s new secretary—write out what a securely attached, anxiously attached, and avoidantly attached wife might say to this husband about the phone call when he came home.
The securely attached wife might say:
The anxiously attached wife might say:
The avoidantly attached wife might say:
The kinds of attachment—secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful avoidant—are best thought of as: (check all that you think might apply. If attachment theory is new for you, check the answers that make most sense to you and see how they fit with the answers in the back of the book.)
In terms of dealing with their emotions in a distressed attachment relationship, more securely attached partners will tend to: (more than one correct answer)
An anxiously attached person will most often tend to:
A dismissingly attached person will most often tend to:
A fearful avoidantly attached person will most often tend to:
In terms of acknowledging distress and needs, engaging with a partner, and seeking connection and support, read the following interactions/scenarios and label the pattern of responses as typical of secure, anxious, dismissing, or fearful attachment
- Wife to husband: “I don’t care what you say. You are never around, never there
for me. I just never feel really sure of this relationship, how much I matter to you.
I might as well not be married. All you want is sex anyway. Even last week, on my
birthday, when you promised….” She bursts into tears. She turns in her chair and
her voice then becomes very biting, “But then, as you point out, I get ‘unreasonable,’
so how can you stay home with me! All I am is a maid. I am so alone.”
- Husband to wife: “I refuse to speak with you when you get like this—there is no
point. I don’t know what gets into you when you get like this. I try to talk about our
issues and come up with some solutions, but you just go off the deep end all the
time. I think our marriage is fine—if you could just be more reasonable.
- Wife to husband: “I’d like you to talk to me more, to show me I am important to
you (stares into the distance). Sometimes I think I am just too difficult to love—too
difficult. I want more connection between us.” Husband: “Maybe we can be closer.
I liked holding you last night.” He reaches and tries to take her hand, but she sighs
and moves away. Wife: “Don’t. I feel sick. Last night was too much for me. It got so
I felt I couldn’t breathe, you were looking at me all the time.”
- Husband to wife in the eighth session of EFT: “Yes, you are right. I do shut you out.
I get kind of paralyzed. I don’t know what to do. I get so scared that I am going to
disappoint you again. So I kind of freeze up. But, you know, I do want to be close
and I miss the easy closeness we used to have. Maybe I just need to say, well…I need
you to give me a chance, I need to know you still want to be with me. I do want that
connection too. So, put your tally sheet down and dance with me a little, huh?” This
man is moving out of __________ into __________.
- Husband to wife: “It was last night, and I sat down beside you and tried to chat.
And I moved my leg next to yours and it touched yours—just a little touch. And,
wham. Wham! You just got all cold, all huffy.” (He starts to tear). “My depression
is coming up again. (Wipes his eyes, then says in a soft voice) “It was just a little
touch. But I never get it right with you. And then I tried to talk about it and you said
to wait till the therapy session.” (He throws up his hands) “That is the way it always
is. This relationship is a minefield.” (He turns and bangs his hand into the table)
“Sometimes I just wonder what it is with you, what you expect of me.”
- Wife to therapist: “And it felt so different. We just held each other all night. And
in the morning…I just told him how safe I felt. I felt precious to him. Like we were
going to be okay, even if we fight sometimes. And now—since then—it just feels like
I can count on him. I can reach out and bring him close. I don’t think I have ever felt
this, even when we were first together.”
These patterns occur as the result of and are maintained by: (more than one correct answer)
Attachment involves not only affect regulation but also cognitive models—expectations, needs, biases. Connect up the main models of self and other usually found in each kind of attachment style (fill in the blanks with the correct style).
As a whole, attachment theory can be described as: (more than one correct answer)
In a couple therapy session, EFT therapists find that attachment theory offers: (more than one correct answer)
Once partners become more accessible and responsive and thus feel more securely attached, the theory suggests that they will be able to: (more than one correct answer)
From an attachment point of view, love relationships are primarily defined by: (more than one correct answer)
Here are the key moments of an experiment to assess attachment security between mother and child, called the “strange situation.” In a securely attached child, the drama unfolds as follows:
- The child is in a “strange,” that is, a stressful, situation, in an unfamiliar room with a
stranger and the mother has exited. But the child can handle her inevitable distress,
believing the mother will return and come close to her.
- When the mother returns, the child is able to ask, clearly and assertively, for comfort
and reassurance, most often desiring physical touch.
- When the mother responds, the child takes in the comfort and allows herself to be
calmed and soothed.
- The child can then, feeling connected to the mother and trusting in her responsiveness if needed, turn and explore the environment.
Take the above four moves and write them out as they would likely occur between a
securely attached couple when the man comes home after a very difficult day at work
and meets his wife.
HintA wife goes to a party with her husband. She knows no one there and they have a fight on the way to the party. At the party, she finds him engrossed in a conversation with a beautiful new colleague. She feels small and unimportant and remembers their fight on the way to the party. Her emotions explode. She feels anguish and then, after a few moments, rage. She storms up to her spouse and taps him on the shoulder, insisting that he speak to her. She finds it difficult to be coherent but she accuses him of flirt‑ ing and then asks to be taken home. He becomes very cold and distant and refuses to talk about what is happening. He attempts to change the subject while implying that she has had too much to drink and should be more polite. When she asks, he refuses to introduce her to his colleague. He then points out that colleagues are often easier to talk to than “paranoid” spouses. She then insists on going home and harangues him for his “inappropriateness” all the way home. She cannot concentrate on anything on the way home and goes to sleep in another room.
In the contrasting scenario above, which involves a distressed adult relationship, identify who is the anxiously attached, critical blamer and who is the avoidantly attached, distancing withdrawer
- Who is anxiously attached? __________ Who is avoidantly attached? __________
- Write out what the wife might have been able to say to her partner if she had been
in a happy stage in their relationship and had been securely attached; that is, had
trusted that he would listen and respond to any vulnerabilities she might express.
HintHusband: “You say I just want sex, but it’s not true. I just feel like giving up when you say that, like we are doomed. How can it ever work?” Wife: (in a calm flat voice) “I really don’t know. But if you would just calm down and be less demanding. I just move away to stop the fights. I just think it is better if we don’t get caught in these arguments…the relationship is easier—calmer—that way.” Husband: “How can things be ‘easy’ when we never make love, when you are never close to me? Tell me that. It’s like everything else comes first with you, but my feel‑ ings…they never count. You just focus on the event, like all I want is an orgasm. But that is not all I want. I want to feel close to you—desired—like I am important to you. But first comes the kids, then the house, then your job, and then—maybe—if there is time left—maybe us. Sometimes I think if I were dying you would tell me to hold on till you were less busy. You wouldn’t be there for me. I might as well live alone.” Wife: “I just get that whatever I do will never be good enough for you, I am a big dis‑ appointment…so I just give up, I just shut down. It just doesn’t feel safe in our house anymore. I am not sexy enough for you, not warm enough—not enough.