THE EFT THEORY OF ADULT LOVE—ATTACHMENT THEORY - EFT Couple Therapy Switzerland

Theorists of adult attachment espouse the idea that: (more than one correct answer)

The need to connect with and depend on key others is wired in by evolution.

Attachment is a universal, primary survival motivation in human beings across cultures

Recent understandings of attachment are that it involves not just bonding but caretaking and sexuality; these are not separate systems.

Attachment is only applicable to mother–child relationships.

Attachment is a systemic theory: it deals with key patterns of interaction between intimates

Attachment is also an intrapsychic theory: It deals with affect regulation and inner models of self and other.

The attachment view of dependency is: (more than one correct answer)

Dependency on a few key others is a lifelong adaptive survival mechanism and promotes adaptation and growth.

Dependency is adaptive in childhood, but adults should be self-sufficient.

The more securely interdependent we can be, the more separate and different we can be.

Dependency and autonomy are dichotomous: They are opposite ends of a continuum.

A positive secure attachment relationship has two basic elements: (more than one correct answer)

A set of procedures to minimize conflict.

A safe haven—an antidote to fear and helplessness.

A secure base from which to explore the universe with confidence.

A caretaking contract in the case of need.

When distressed, in the relationship or in life, a securely attached adult is likely to deal with his/her emotions by: (more than one correct answer)

Reaching for the comfort and caring of a significant other.

Using the representation of an attachment figure to soothe the self

Asserting needs for care in a way that invites responsiveness.

Being optimistic about others’ willingness/ability to respond.

Protesting any upsetting distance in hopeful, constructive ways.

Numbing and focusing on tasks, thereby increasing feelings of control and competence.

Being able to resist flooding with negative emotions, thereby being more able to reciprocate responsiveness.

What element would you not typically see in a secure attachment relationship?

Both partners can reach for the other when vulnerable.

Both express needs for closeness, reassurance.

Both use the comfort offered to soothe the self.

Both feel wary of dependency needs and wish to put them aside.

Both find it rewarding to be able to calm and reassure the other.

Both feel basically safe and engaged and can then play and explore the relationship

Being able to resist flooding with negative emotions, thereby being more able to reciprocate responsiveness.

To increase a person’s sense of attachment security the partner must become: (more than one correct answer)

More accessible, especially when the other is stressed, fearful, or uncertain.

More responsive on an emotional level to attachment requests, fears, needs.

Less dependent on this person.

More morally committed to staying in the relationship.

More consistently reflective rather than emotional during difficult times.

More able to stay emotionally engaged when the less secure person protests distance or disconnection.

More comfortable with offering reassurance.

When a person cannot get an attachment figure to respond/engage, separation distress occurs. The first two steps in this distress are:

Sulking followed by depression if sulking is not effective in getting a response from an attachment figure.

Rage, contempt, and criticism, followed by defensive distancing.

Protest, often in the form of anger, and clinging or seeking closeness and connection.

Distancing and denial of attachment needs.

In couples’ therapy these two steps—protest and seeking connection—show up as/look like the following: (more than one correct answer)

Criticism and complaining.

Clear, logical negotiations as to exactly how the spouse should change.

Expressions of emotional anguish/hurt and fear for the relationship.

Descriptions of grief, isolation, and loss, as in “I am alone.”

Calm and caring discussions about how problems can be solved.

If there is still no emotional response from the partner, the last two steps of separation distress outlined in attachment theory are: (more than one correct answer)

Problem-solving as to how each partner can be more independent.

Spiraling into depression and despair.

Logically discussing and moving to friendly problem-solving.

Grief beginning to evolve into detachment and true separateness.

10.

In couples’ therapy, in which ways do these last two steps of separation distress show up?

Expressions of grief and hopelessness/helplessness.

Brief flares of angry contempt, as in “I will make you respond to me.”

Calm acceptance of the relationship as it is.

Eventually a letting go and a growing detachment from the relationship.

11.

Attachment concerns move to front and center and become compelling at particular times. In what way can these times be summarized?

Stressful conditions in the environment or life transitions/challenges, such as parenthood, that increase attachment needs.

Conditions/shifts that appear to threaten the future—the status of the attachment relationship.

Conditions that increase personal fear and vulnerability, such as illness.

Unconscious projective identifications from the past are aroused and the partner is maneuvered into playing them out.

12.

As well as universal elements, attachment theory focuses on individual differences in attachment responses. The two basic dimensions of attachment insecurity that vary among individuals are:

Anxiety

Disorganization

Avoidance

Self-sufficiency

13.

These dimensions have resulted in three categories of insecure adult attachment responses (check the correct three categories below).

Anxious attachment (where people are preoccupied with bonds and are vigilant for any threat to them).

Dismissing avoidant attachment (where people deny attachment needs and fears, especially when they are vulnerable).

Fearful avoidant attachment (where people are anxiously vigilant but also do not trust closeness and turn away when it is offered).

Disorganized chaotic attachment (where no pattern can be seen).

Detachment (where people become so mature that they do not need others).

14.

Aspects of anxious attachment may be accurately described in the following terms: (check accurate statements)

Attachment emotions/concerns go into hyperactivation/overdrive in anxious attachment.

Clinging, pursuit, and frequent bids for reassurance are the order of the day.

People become vigilant for threat; for example, more jealous and distrustful.

Bids for attention often escalate into angry blaming and coercive demands.

Ambiguous cues about the other’s dependability are likely to be taken negatively.

Anxiety can become an absorbing state and can disrupt the ability to empathize with the other partner.

Anxious partners often become very reactive and less than coherent in their presentation of the problem and the relationship

Anxious partners use rejection less and soft evocative requests for caring more.

Anxious partners tend to see themselves as flawed and unlovable.

Anxious partners actively worry about abandonment.

15.

Fearful avoidant attachment is not associated with:

Past trauma and violations by attachment figures.

A tendency to view one’s self negatively, as unlovable or shameful.

A tendency to desire and pursue closeness, but also to fear and distrust it.

A paradoxical view of others as both the source of and solution to fear.

The ability to openly trust and accept caring and reassurance when it is offered.

16.

In the face of a relationship threat—perhaps a sexy, ambiguous phone message from the husband’s new secretary—write out what a securely attached, anxiously attached, and avoidantly attached wife might say to this husband about the phone call when he came home.

The securely attached wife might say:
The anxiously attached wife might say:
The avoidantly attached wife might say:

17.

The kinds of attachment—secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful avoidant—are best thought of as: (check all that you think might apply. If attachment theory is new for you, check the answers that make most sense to you and see how they fit with the answers in the back of the book.)

Labels for set personality types/traits; people are the same across time and different relationships.

Habitual but changeable forms of engagement in close relationships.

Strategies for managing dependency in close relationships.

Scripts or default options for emotion regulation in close relationships.

Forms of engagement or strategies or scripts that can be different in different relationships and at different times in the same relationship.

Models that can be coherent, elaborated, and open to revision or relatively inaccessible, undifferentiated, and closed.

Strategies that are kept stable by confirmation processes in a relationship, rather than just as existing models that always bias perception.

18.

In terms of dealing with their emotions in a distressed attachment relationship, more securely attached partners will tend to: (more than one correct answer)

Ask openly and clearly for comfort and support.

Stay curious and open to new evidence and cues even when distressed.

Tolerate uncertainty and see whole cycles of interaction from a metaperspective.

Discuss emotions and emotional events in a coherent, integrated way.

Empathize with and respond to their partner’s disclosures.

Own needs and fears and ask for needs to be met in a congruent way that pulls for a compassionate response.

Be unable to turn easily and trustingly to friends and other resources for comfort when partners are unavailable.

19.

An anxiously attached person will most often tend to:

Amplify and become absorbed in the different elements of their own anxiety: cues, body sensations, negative meanings/attributions, actions.

Become reactively angry and desperate, critically pursuing the other.

Recall and obsessively recount specific incidents, but be unable to articulate a coherent overall picture of their relationship.

Be difficult to soothe in that responsiveness or caring is not necessarily trusted.

Turn easily to inner representations of the spouses to calm the self down and regulate distress.

Speak of past attachment figures as being inconsistent and unpredictable.

Experience unpredictable, large, and rapid swings in attachment-related emotions.

20.

A dismissingly attached person will most often tend to:

Deny distress and focus on tasks—external events.

Speak in vague general abstract terms or idealized images.

Have difficulty focusing on their own or their partner’s emotional signals.

Shut down, defend, and distance emotionally and physically when anxiety increases or the other partner protests.

Problem-solve in a distant, detached manner when the partner becomes upset.

Express “incompetence” or “inadequacy” in relation to emotional closeness or responses.

Express cold, general hostility.

21.

A fearful avoidantly attached person will most often tend to:

Demand reassurance, emphasizing their need and that the other is the only solution to their pain.

Refuse engagement when offered, stating that they cannot trust the other and that he/she is the source of their pain.

Become disorganized as many emotions—anger, shame, fear, and grief—arise together and become overwhelming.

Be unable to assert emotional needs, becoming caught in a sense of shame and unworthiness.

Flip between anxious pursuit and numb distancing and defense.

22.

In terms of acknowledging distress and needs, engaging with a partner, and seeking connection and support, read the following interactions/scenarios and label the pattern of responses as typical of secure, anxious, dismissing, or fearful attachment

Wife to husband: “I don’t care what you say. You are never around, never there
for me. I just never feel really sure of this relationship, how much I matter to you.
I might as well not be married. All you want is sex anyway. Even last week, on my
birthday, when you promised….” She bursts into tears. She turns in her chair and
her voice then becomes very biting, “But then, as you point out, I get ‘unreasonable,’
so how can you stay home with me! All I am is a maid. I am so alone.”
Husband to wife: “I refuse to speak with you when you get like this—there is no
point. I don’t know what gets into you when you get like this. I try to talk about our
issues and come up with some solutions, but you just go off the deep end all the
time. I think our marriage is fine—if you could just be more reasonable.
Wife to husband: “I’d like you to talk to me more, to show me I am important to
you (stares into the distance). Sometimes I think I am just too difficult to love—too
difficult. I want more connection between us.” Husband: “Maybe we can be closer.
I liked holding you last night.” He reaches and tries to take her hand, but she sighs
and moves away. Wife: “Don’t. I feel sick. Last night was too much for me. It got so
I felt I couldn’t breathe, you were looking at me all the time.”
Husband to wife in the eighth session of EFT: “Yes, you are right. I do shut you out.
I get kind of paralyzed. I don’t know what to do. I get so scared that I am going to
disappoint you again. So I kind of freeze up. But, you know, I do want to be close
and I miss the easy closeness we used to have. Maybe I just need to say, well…I need
you to give me a chance, I need to know you still want to be with me. I do want that
connection too. So, put your tally sheet down and dance with me a little, huh?” This
man is moving out of __________ into __________.
Husband to wife: “It was last night, and I sat down beside you and tried to chat.
And I moved my leg next to yours and it touched yours—just a little touch. And,
wham. Wham! You just got all cold, all huffy.” (He starts to tear). “My depression
is coming up again. (Wipes his eyes, then says in a soft voice) “It was just a little
touch. But I never get it right with you. And then I tried to talk about it and you said
to wait till the therapy session.” (He throws up his hands) “That is the way it always
is. This relationship is a minefield.” (He turns and bangs his hand into the table)
“Sometimes I just wonder what it is with you, what you expect of me.”
Wife to therapist: “And it felt so different. We just held each other all night. And
in the morning…I just told him how safe I felt. I felt precious to him. Like we were
going to be okay, even if we fight sometimes. And now—since then—it just feels like
I can count on him. I can reach out and bring him close. I don’t think I have ever felt
this, even when we were first together.”

23.

These patterns occur as the result of and are maintained by: (more than one correct answer)

Past relationship history and the sensitivities it creates.

Present relationship interactions: the confirming or disconfirming responses of the partner.

Models/beliefs/expectations about others and relationships.

Negative or positive cycles of attachment responses in the present relationship.

How attachment-related emotions are regulated and dealt with and communicated in the present relationship.

The process of projective identification where expectations are projected onto the partner in such a way as to confirm the worst fears.

24.

Attachment involves not only affect regulation but also cognitive models—expectations, needs, biases. Connect up the main models of self and other usually found in each kind of attachment style (fill in the blanks with the correct style).

The self is seen as lovable and competent. The other is basically dependable and
trustworthy. This is a description of a person.

The self is seen as lovable but others are basically untrustworthy.

The self is often seen as undeserving of care and the other is mostly idealized and
seen as lovable and desirable.

The self is seen as defective or deficient and the other is seen as unreliable or
dangerous.

25.

As a whole, attachment theory can be described as: (more than one correct answer)

A systemic theory that focuses on patterns of interaction and their impact

Present relationship interactions: the confirming or disconfirming responses of the partner.

A theory of trauma—the trauma of isolation.

A constructivist theory, focusing on the construction of inner and interpersonal attachment realities.

A theory of how the wounds of childhood are inevitably projected onto our partner.

A theory that offers a map of the defining elements in our closest relationships; childhood bonds predict adult bonds.

The most comprehensive and well-researched theory of adult love.

26.

In a couple therapy session, EFT therapists find that attachment theory offers: (more than one correct answer)

A language; a frame; a way of making sense of the intense emotional drama of relationship distress.

A guide through many content issues and secondary reactions to the deep emotional longings, needs, and fears—the music of the dance of adult love.

A compass in the territory of adult love, directing the therapist to pivotal defining moments and moves.

A vision that tells the therapist what to target; what will make a difference; what the steps are on the route from distress to secure connection.

27.

Once partners become more accessible and responsive and thus feel more securely attached, the theory suggests that they will be able to: (more than one correct answer)

Be more open, less defensive.

Be curious and explore new information and to problem-solve more effectively with their partners.

Trust that the other partner will be there for them, to turn to their partner for comfort and support.

Be separate and different from key others without anxiety.

Be able to see the big picture and talk about patterns of interaction rather than getting stuck in proving points or sorting emotions. To metacommunicate and subsequently be able to unlatch from patterns like criticize/withdraw.

Name and explore fears and doubts that arise in the relationship rather than assuming the worst (e.g., Is he distant because I don’t matter, or is he just tired?).

Have deeper specific insights into past relationships and to link this insight into present responses.

Listen to their own emotional needs for comfort and caring and clearly articulate them.

Consider the other partner’s perspective and to tune in and to respond empathically

Prevent all fights and negative cycles such as demand/defend.

Be more intimate, if intimacy is trusting self-disclosure and empathic responsiveness (Wynne & Wynne, 1986).

Protest, to assert one’s needs without using rejection or threat.

Hold a positive sense of self and feel entitled to care.

Be more resilient in the face of depression and anxiety (stress) since they are not alone but connected to a loved one.

28.

From an attachment point of view, love relationships are primarily defined by: (more than one correct answer)

Equity of giving and getting, so that each profits rather than loses.

The ability to negotiate and problem-solve concrete issues together.

The companionship and friendship between partners

Moments of emotional responsiveness when key attachment needs and fears arise and are responded to or not.

Times when one partner provides emotional and/or psychological “proximity” to the other, or the other feels abandoned, rejected, alone.

Key moments when people are able to be independent and differentiated, preventing fusion and allowing each person to go their own way

29.

Here are the key moments of an experiment to assess attachment security between mother and child, called the “strange situation.” In a securely attached child, the drama unfolds as follows:

The child is in a “strange,” that is, a stressful, situation, in an unfamiliar room with a
stranger and the mother has exited. But the child can handle her inevitable distress,
believing the mother will return and come close to her.
When the mother returns, the child is able to ask, clearly and assertively, for comfort
and reassurance, most often desiring physical touch.
When the mother responds, the child takes in the comfort and allows herself to be
calmed and soothed.
The child can then, feeling connected to the mother and trusting in her responsiveness if needed, turn and explore the environment.

Take the above four moves and write them out as they would likely occur between a
securely attached couple when the man comes home after a very difficult day at work
and meets his wife.

30.

In the contrasting scenario above, which involves a distressed adult relationship, identify who is the anxiously attached, critical blamer and who is the avoidantly attached, distancing withdrawer

Who is anxiously attached? __________ Who is avoidantly attached? __________
Write out what the wife might have been able to say to her partner if she had been
in a happy stage in their relationship and had been securely attached; that is, had
trusted that he would listen and respond to any vulnerabilities she might express.