Accessing And Reformulating Emotion - EFT Couple Therapy Switzerland

Match the following statements to one of the following universal emotions (anger/rage, joy/elation, sadness/despair, fear/anxiety, shame/disgust, surprise/curiosity):

“My world falls apart when I hear you talking about leaving.”
“I could care less about talking to you after you fail to take my needs seriously.”
“I can’t talk about this. No, I don’t want to even look at him. I don’t want him to see me
like this.”
“So you get shaky when I am angry? I’ve never seen it, is that really true?”
“It’s too much. I can’t do it. I feel so fragile.”
“Yeah, I say those things just to get a response out of you. I know you can’t handle.
it. You’re emotionally dead.”
“I am so lonely, and we used to be so close. Some days it is just too much for me.”
“I know it’s my fault. I try my best, but it’s really not good enough. It’s not what she
is looking for.”
“It just felt so good – to have him come down and ask me for a hug. It felt like we
really turned a corner last night.”
“Sometimes I feel so alone, and I can’t stand it, like what if she never comes back or
never opens up to me again.”

Track the underlying process of emotion through each of these scenarios.

Jack tells his wife that he does not want to comfort her. She stiffens in her chair and
flushes red as she gestures by wringing her hands. The therapist reflects her stiffening
and her hand gesture and asks what is happening for her. She looks down and says,
“I can’t hear that—I just can’t bear it.” She stares out the window and sighs.

Identify the emotion she maybe experiencing:

Track the underlying process of emotion through each of these scenarios.

Marcy becomes very still and presses her lips together as her depressed and withdrawn
partner expresses that she has become “difficult and demanding” and says that he
is no longer willing to put up with her criticism. She moves forward raising her voice
and, with a challenging tone says, “Oh, so it’s my problem, I am the bad guy? This has
nothing to do with your affairs! You’re just trying to shift the responsibility away from
your lies. You blame me when it’s your weakness that you can’t handle. I will not stand
for this. Do you hear me?”

Identify the emotions she may be experiencing: .
Now label the steps leading from her appraisal to her action.
Appraisal: .
Arousal: .
Reappraisal: .
Action Tendency: .

Track the underlying process of emotion through each of these scenarios.

Kim embraces Larry after he returns from a weekend away. Larry’s body stiffens and is
rigid in response. He looks toward the ground and she asked him three times in a fast
paced anxious tone how his trip went. She backs away. Larry responds in a guarded
fashion reassuring her that everything was fine. He walks into the other room and she
follows, inviting him to tell her what is on his mind when he is ready.

Identify the emotions she may be experiencing: .
Now label the steps leading from her appraisal to her action.
Appraisal: .
Arousal: .
Reappraisal: .
Action Tendency: .

Track the underlying process of emotion through each of these scenarios.

Later that evening, Larry kisses Kim good night hoping that she will respond to what
he views as a sexual invitation. She responds but then turns away closing her eyes.
He feels tense and slides away from her in an aggressive manner saying good night in
frustration. Kim moves toward him but Larry is now keeping his distance.

Identify the emotions she may be experiencing: .
Now label the steps leading from her appraisal to her action.
Appraisal: .
Arousal: .
Reappraisal: .
Action Tendency: .

Emotions as “action tendencies” prompt certain responses. Therapists can anticipate that
certain emotions will prompt certain behaviors.

Think over the last month or so and reflect on the times when you experienced each of the following emotions. Then match the emotion to the actions in the lettered listed below. Note: The emotions can elicit more than one emotional response.

Anger

Explore/approach

Assertion/attack

Flee/escape/avoid

Mourn/shut down/evoke help

Hide/retreat

Engage/connect

Shame

Explore/approach

Assertion/attack

Flee/escape/avoid

Mourn/shut down/evoke help

Hide/retreat

Engage/connect

Fear

Explore/approach

Assertion/attack

Flee/escape/avoid

Mourn/shut down/evoke help

Hide/retreat

Engage/connect

10.

Surprise

Explore/approach

Assertion/attack

Flee/escape/avoid

Mourn/shut down/evoke help

Hide/retreat

Engage/connect

11.

Joy

Explore/approach

Assertion/attack

Flee/escape/avoid

Mourn/shut down/evoke help

Hide/retreat

Engage/connect

12.

Sadness

Explore/approach

Assertion/attack

Flee/escape/avoid

Mourn/shut down/evoke help

Hide/retreat

Engage/connect

13.

Now apply these emotions and action tendencies to the following situation:

When a couple gets in an argument that is heated the husband withdraws from the
argument by disengaging from the intensifying escalation. What feeling would typically
lead to this action?
As his wife finds him less and less responsive to her complaints, her anger escalates,
as she is less able to sense that she is getting through to him. How will anger typically
prompt him to respond?

14.

Identify the type of emotion illustrated in each sentence below (primary, secondary, or instrumental):

She said she was afraid, hoping that he would hold her and be protective of her.
When he told her that he did not want to make love, she flew into a rage and began
to list all of his mistakes and shortcomings.
As he saw her smiling at his friend, he felt sick and a sense of dread and hopelessness
overcame him.
She cried continually in the session watching and hoping that her husband would
feel bad and change his behavior.
As she made her demands clear, he seemed to recoil and get smaller. He shut down
and said he felt fine about her comments.
He says in a soft voice, “When you talk that way, it really hurts me.”

15.

Identify the primary emotions underlying each of the following client statements.

“I numb out, it just feels better than listening to you tell me that I can’t do anything
right.” Then quietly, “I know I am not perfect, not what you need.”
“It’s beyond frustration. I get exasperated when he just sits there. Not reacting. Not
responding. It is like no one is home. I think to myself, I can get him to respond.
Then I show my anger.”
“I get so upset. He says I don’t parent the children right. And when I try to talk about
it with him, he will just lecture me. I never get it right. So I just pull away and don’t
try. Silence is better than his disapproval.”
“You went cold on me, so cold that I just said to myself that I was not going to take
this any longer. So I just walked out.”
“I feel kind of trapped, like my efforts are futile. When I try to open up to her it
doesn’t work. I just don’t know how to talk about how I feel. ”
“If I didn’t talk then nobody would in this relationship. Silence would be all you
hear and I can’t handle it. I get angry when he doesn’t seem to care.”
“Sure I get angry when she points out how her father handles a situation. It’s like she
is saying I am not man enough, and she has to tell me how to be like her old man.”
“Sometimes this relationship seems like too much work. I am just exhausted and
when he doesn’t give any effort, I think why should I try. My efforts don’t make a
difference anyway. Nothing is going to change.”

16.

The following exercises will help you develop your recognition of secondary emotions and will provide you with practice exercises in reflecting secondary emotional responses.

Which of the following is typically a secondary emotion in a distressed relationship?

Loneliness

Anger

Fear

Shame

17.

The following exercises will help you develop your recognition of secondary emotions and will provide you with practice exercises in reflecting secondary emotional responses.

Which of the following is typically a secondary emotion?

Sense of frustration

“Black hole in my stomach”

Sadness

Guilt

18.

“I can’t take it anymore. He raises his voice and demands an answer, and I don’t have one. It drives me nuts! I get so angry at him. I just launch right back into him.”

List the secondary emotions stated or described in the example above.

19.

“So you he gets angry and demands an answer. Then you don’t have an answer so you respond back with anger, pushing him away.”

Now from the example above create a brief reflection of secondary emotion within the
context of the cycle.

20.

Choose the reflection that best fits the secondary emotion within the couple’s cycle described in the example above

So she does not care and this is clear from her accusations, so why listen?

I can understand that. It makes sense to me that you’d see her that way.

When she is angry and attacks you, you tune her out. It’s like, ‘Whatever. You can’t get to me.” Is that how it goes?

What’s it like for you to feel attacked, all the while believing that she doesn’t care? What happens inside when the battle rages hot?

21.

He just gets too irritable. I can feel it coming. I get tense…like I prepare for the onslaught. I fear that I won’t be able to appease him. I won’t measure up to his demands of me. I don’t know what to do; it’s awful. I try to respond, and he just gets more irritable. So I try again, and he gets angrier. I keep trying to explain, but at some point there’s just no use. I can only take so much, so I end up either going cold, shutting down, or going off alone.

What are the apparent secondary emotional responses for the male in the example
above?
What are the apparent secondary emotional responses for the female?
Create your own reflection of secondary emotion within the context of the cycle.

22.

Choose the best reflection of secondary emotion within the context of the cycle:

You try to explain, but it just doesn’t work

His anger sends you packing. You just can’t win. This leaves you all alone.

Are there ever times when you don’t respond like this?

Let me see if I am getting this: Tom, you get irritable, like you want more from Betsy. Betsy, you sense this, and you begin trying to explain, trying to keep the battle at bay. But your answers are not sufficient, and Tom you get angrier in your questions, while Betsy, you get more frustrated in your attempts to derail the fight?

23.

The following exercises will help you clarify your understanding of primary emotions and will provide you with practice exercises in reflecting primary or underlying emotional responses.

Primary emotions are:

The emotions most often or primarily witnessed in couple’s interactions.

The primarily reactive emotions.

The primary, most infantile emotions

Direct core emotional responses to external stimuli.

24.

The following exercises will help you clarify your understanding of primary emotions and will provide you with practice exercises in reflecting primary or underlying emotional responses.

EFT therapists focus on primary emotion related to:

Blocks to effective communication skills.

Individuation.

Attachment bonds.

Unresolved hurts from the past.

25.

The following exercises will help you clarify your understanding of primary emotions and will provide you with practice exercises in reflecting primary or underlying emotional responses.

Primary emotions in distressed relationships are often:

Disorienting

Pushed out of awareness

Unconscious

Here and now

26.

The following exercises will help you clarify your understanding of primary emotions and will provide you with practice exercises in reflecting primary or underlying emotional responses.

Which of the following best describe common primary emotions:

Frustration, bitterness, fear, guilt.

Guilt, forgiveness, shame, anger.

Sadness, bitterness, shame, frustration.

Anger, sadness, fear, joy, shame.

27.

“I have fifteen years of anger built up. It’s very hard for me talk about my fear because the anger just comes so quickly.”

In the statement above, the secondary emotion is most likely while the primary
emotion is most likely .

28.

Therapist: “Let me see if I am on track here guys. Grace, you see him coming and think ‘What have I done now?’ Right? You immediately notice this expression on his face, and initially you kind of freeze in fear. It’s like, ‘Here we go again; he’s pissed off about something. I once again don’t measure up.’ You then quickly move into defending or lashing out.”

Respond to the statement above using the questions below.

What is the primary emotion noted in the context of the cycle?
What action is associated with this primary emotion?
How did the couple respond at a secondary level to their primary emotions above?

29.

What is the key attachment-related client descriptor associated with primary emotion reflected above?

What have I done now?

Here we go again.

He’s pissed about something

I once again don’t measure up.

30.

Therapist: “And Don, you come toward her wanting an explanation, right? In your mind she has once again ‘dropped the ball’ as you say, which you initially take as an expression of how she doesn’t really care about your wishes. You’ve said that this initially hits you ‘like tearing a hole in my heart,’ and you question her love for you, which brings on all kinds of fear, panic, and sadness. But these emotions are extremely painful, and they quickly move to intense anger in you. And in that anger you go ‘let her have it.’ Is this how it goes?”

Respond to the statement above using the questions below :

What are possible primary emotions underlying this cycle?
Name one attachment-related theme associated with the primary emotion being
described.
What is the secondary, more reactive emotion in the cycle described above?
Name one client phrase/theme that is associated with a secondary emotion in the
cycle being described.

31.

Therapist: “This cycle hits, and you guys fall in line, don’t you? You really march to the beat of this cycle. It’s a beat you both know all too well. You go at each other, eventually going into your separate corners, both of you very alone… and afraid. Is this how it goes?”

Respond to the statement above using the question below.
What are the attachment-related primary emotions resulting from the couple’s cycle
that ends in separation and emotional disconnection?

32.

Validation of a partner’s responses is most effective when :

The therapist validates the underlying or primary emotion.

The therapist’s validation is communicated indirectly versus directly

Both partners’ responses are validated

Partners are taught to validate one another

33.

Validation and reflection are intended to :

Reduce anxiety and decrease self-protection in the interactions of distressed couples

Help couples through the therapist modeling empathic understanding

Teach couples the reasons certain emotional responses are appropriate

Encourage appropriate dependency of a client on a therapist

34.

After Leo’s affair, Lisa found it difficult to not check up on Leo if he was late in returning home. In Lisa’s words: “I feel better calling him, even if it annoys him. But I just can’t stand not knowing if he is where he said he would be.”

Now form a statement to validate Lisa’s experience.

35.

Review the two statements you composed. Does your statement include a reflection of each partner’s experience? Does your statement include a statement validating her/his experience?

Form a validation statement responding to Leo’s new experience of his underlying
emotions. [Keep in mind his initial frustration. Validate his response to her

36.

Now imagine Leo responds to Lisa’s defensive response with one of his own. He pulls back and folds his arms, saying “See why it’s hard to want to try, when she doesn’t even give things a chance. She doesn’t give me a chance.”

Now form a validating response to her defensiveness. Help him see how her response
makes sense given the interaction.

37.

Keeping these things in mind, construct a validation statement for the following partner who is a “chronic criticizer.” She wants a more intimate relationship with her partner and her common approach to issues of concern in her relationship is to point out areas that he could change. When he challenges her, she redoubles her criticism until he backs down. You also learned from her in an earlier session that using harsh words was the only way she was heard in her hostile family of origin.

38.

Evocative responding guides the client to the __________ of their experience and __________ the client to explore and reprocess their experience making it more specific and tangible

Unresolved aspects, instructs

Leading edge, invites

Underlying assumptions, coaches

Hidden aspects, teaches

39.

Giving an evocative response, the therapist gives direct attention to:

The general comments a client makes.

Irrational or unrealistic assumptions.

Conflicting elements of a client’s response.

Bodily cues indicative of affect.

40.

Important to forming any evocative response is the use of:

The couple’s cycle.

A partner’s primary emotions.

Tentative and speculative phrasing

Attachment theory.

41.

Form an evocative response to the following client situations.

Your client has a pained expression on his face when describing what happens
when he tries to talk with his partner about the way he makes financial decisions.
Shannon has just heard how Bob withdraws from their conflicts because he doesn’t
know how to respond to her criticism. He is afraid to hurt her and fears that she may
be losing interest in him. What might a therapist say to explore Shannon’s experience
of hearing Bob’s fear?
Felicia has tears in her eyes as she describes her angry pursuit of Hosea when he
ignores her, preferring to talk to his friends rather than her.
Jane looks at Steven after explaining the couple’s most recent fight. Steven glares
back at her and rolls his eyes. The therapist seeing a pained response on Jane’s
face uses evocative responding to explore this emotional reaction. How would you
phrase an evocative response to Jane?
Now form an evocative response for Steve
Russell seems to withdraw from Ceslie as she, in tears, laments the state of their
relationship. How might you evocatively respond to Russell’s sudden withdrawal?

42.

Consider how you might use an evocative response to draw out a client’s experience.

“I feel sick when she talks about leaving me.”
“After our fight, I had to go and lay down. I was exhausted.”
Sheri stumbles struggling to find words to describe her sadness when she hears Paul
talk about leaving the relationship.
Shawn describes his grandfather as the one person in his life he has always trusted
and turned for support. How might the therapist form an evocative response to
address Shawn’s fears of inadequacy in his relationship with Karen? Form an evocative response speaking as the grandfather to help Shawn with his fear.
Shawn grips his chair as tears stream down his face, while he shares the words of
reassurance from his grandfather. How might the therapist expand on Shawn’s experience using an evocative response?

43.

Use an image or a metaphor to form a heightening statement in response to the following situations

A withdrawer’s loneliness at her partner’s disengagement in the relationship.
A pursuer’s fear that his partner will never respond to his needs.
A pursuer’s frustration about not getting a meaningful response from her partner.
A partner’s hope with the changes that have taken place in her relationship.
A partner’s surprise at the support he experiences from his previously distant spouse.

44.

Select the therapist response that would most likely heighten the partner’s affect.

I guess I just find it hard to keep trying to reach him after years of no response.

So you protect yourself from his distance by staying away?

That makes sense that this is a challenge, he hasn’t been there for you

It’s hard to know where to start, where to begin. Should I risk? Should I put myself out again? It’s hard to keep dancing when your partner seems to be listening to different music.

So you fear what it might be like to be close.

45.

There is no pleasing her. Why should I try? She will always find some way I don’t measure up.

So you fear that you will never be good enough.

It’s hard to believe that one day you would pass her test. Hard to believe you are not a failure in her eyes, that she could treasure you?

So she sees you as a constant failure and you are tired of trying to prove different.

Can you tell her what its like to hear her criticism?

46.

I can’t believe that. He says he wants to be with me, but he’s afraid. I don’t get it. Most of the time it seems like he doesn’t care.

It’s too hard to believe, to hold on to the hope he cares, that he really, really wants you?

It’s hard to believe him when he says one thing and acts just the opposite.

Can you tell him you find it hard to believe his fear?

So can you see that he’s hiding, can you see his fear? And he wants more than anything to be close?

47.

Sometimes, though we are together, he could be miles away. I am so alone.

So you feel more and more lonely.

So can you tell him? Can you say to him that there are times when you are together and he feels miles away and you are alone, so desperately alone?

Does he know how alone you feel at these times?

And you are often alone in this relationship even if you are together, is that it?

48.

It was so good. He started to back away and then it was like he stopped. Turned to me and I could tell he was there for me

So he showed you he was really there for you.

Yes, and that is your secure bond at work. It makes you both feel safe.

Can you tell him how much you appreciate his being there for you?

Wow! That’s amazing! How did you do that? See that pattern and resist it? You really showed her you were there for her.

49.

I don’t see what difference it makes. Why does she need to know how I feel about that?

So you close that part of your world off. Shut the door. It is private. For you alone?

It’s safer to hide than to show her how you feel?

What’s that like for you to keep this to yourself?

Can you tell her that she does not need to worry about you and your feelings?

50.

How many times do I have to tell him? He just doesn’t care. He’s in his own world. I could be dying out here and he wouldn’t know. He wouldn’t care!

So he hides from you and you are left alone both angry and hurt.

He builds a wall to protect himself from you and your anger toward him.

Perhaps there are times when his wall comes down and you are less alone.

You feel alone. Abandoned. Like he is not there for you. And you are dying from it?

51.

It is so hard. I don’t think I could tell him that. I am just not sure.

Yes, it makes sense that you do not trust him yet, after what you have been through.

What’s it like for you to not be able to open this door to him?

It’s safer to keep the wall up but a part of you wants to connect.

You are on a cliff; you’re at the edge. And I am saying jump, he will catch you, but it seems too far, too dangerous, too hard, and too scary

52.

I don’t want to spend our lives like this. I want to be close. I want to know her, to really know her.

So part of you has not given up. You still hope for change.

Can you tell her that? That you want that closeness, and you want to know her? Can you share that with her, now? How much you long to know, touch, reach, and dance with your wife?

This is important. She needs to hear this from you. She doesn’t believe you. Can you tell her?

You are on a cliff; youYou are in pain and you want her to know that this pain is because you love her, right?’re at the edge. And I am saying jump, he will catch you, but it seems too far, too dangerous, too hard, and too scary

53.

Jane shares with Tim her lack of desire to be with him sexually. Tim’s eye’s well with tears as he says “I don’t understand.”

Yes and it makes sense that you would feel this hurt, most people would find this painful.

It is painful, yes, so difficult to hear these words, like a rejection, like a wound being opened?

Her lack of interest is her coping response to her own fear of being close to you.

What’s that like for you to hear these words Tim?

54.

Look for the example below where the therapist is heightening a client’s positive sense of self.

It is amazing to see the progress you have made in trusting your partner.

. What’s it like for you to see your growth in these areas?

It makes sense that you would feel proud of all that you have accomplished.

Though you didn’t know what it would look like, you have shown great courage, strength, and bravery in fighting and risking being who you are in this relationship.

55.

Now form a heightening response of your own using the following client statements.

James is afraid to tell his partner that underlying his withdrawal is a fear of not being
good enough.
Kris describes feeling safe with Richard for the first time in months.
Paul expresses his irritation at being interrupted with his wife’s personal calls while
he is at work. (Use an enactment to heighten this response.).
Leslie fears that she is not good enough for Manuel and hides her desires to be close
to him.
Shannon shares how much better she feels about herself when she is immersed in
work compared to the insecurity she feels in her relationship with Chris.
Peter describes his pattern of attacking Marcia when she presses him about his
feelings. Peter complains: “She gives me no space, so I make space. I push her away.
It is the only thing I know to do.”

56.

Empathic conjecture is:

A cognitive restatement of emotional experience

An objective summary of personal emotional experience

An intervention that gives insight to the self and other

Just one step ahead of the client’s articulated experience

57.

Many empathic conjectures focus on:

A client’s experience of fear or shame in the context of the relationship bond.

A client’s experience of pursuit and withdraw in the context of the relationship.

Educating the client about the role of attachment bonds in their relationship.

Directing partners to share their relationship fears with one another.

58.

This intervention is used to bring to light attachment-related needs and longings that are blocked by a client’s fears.

Evocative responding

Validation

Disquisition

Seeding attachment

59.

This intervention is used when a partner or a couple is extremely resistant to exploring their emotional experience

Evocative responding

Validation

Disquisition

Seeding attachment

60.

Identify the therapist statement that is an empathic conjecture:

Cherise and Samuel have a long-standing pursuit-and-demand cycle that organizes
around Cherise’s chronic dissatisfaction with Samuel’s “commitment” to her. The
couple says this frequent fight dates back to Samuel’s lack of support following the
death of her father. Which of the following would help Cherise reflect on the hurt
she has that underlies her anger?

“This anger you feel is often the result of an attachment injury you experienced with Samuel’s lack of accessibility.”

“Your anger is a secondary emotion, do you think you might really be grieving that he was not there for you.”

“As you say that, I hear your anger and frustration, and I wonder if you also want him to see the hurt this situation causes you?”

“I know you are angry at Samuel, but can you tell him what hurts you as well?”

61.

Later Samuel is asked about his experience in hearing Cherise recount how abandoned she felt when Samuel does not respond to her pain. Samuel talks about his confusion, of not knowing how to respond to her feelings. He admits that it’s sometimes safer if he just “takes it in” rather than trying to respond it. Which of the following statements would a therapist select as an empathic conjecture that would lead Samuel to the leading edge of his experience?

“So you see her emotions and back away, because it is not safe. Is that it?”

“It makes sense that you are uncertain how to respond to her emotions, because her feelings are strong and you have not done what she wanted in the past.”

“Can you ask her to tell you what she would like from you?”

“So it’s confusing, and you hold back, almost like something bad will happen if you show your concern, it’s scary to not know if your offer will be received or rejected.”

62.

The therapist asks Samuel what it’s like for him to sit in the room while Cherise expresses her disgust regarding his concern for her. Samuel describes the sense of sinking in his chair and getting smaller and smaller.

“So she sees you stone-faced, a stoic man, but inside you’re shrinking like a little boy, not knowing what to do, just afraid, afraid that she will not want what you have to give her? So you hide from her not knowing what to say or do, just hoping to disappear.”

“So she shows contempt and you withdraw. Your defend yourself and she goes on the attack. That must be difficult.”

“How does she know the difference between your fear and your indifference?”

“So it’s confusing, and you hold“You avoid—it seems the best response in the circumstances.” back, almost like something bad will happen if you show your concern, it’s scary to not know if your offer will be received or rejected.”

63.

After exploring his fear of being seen as inadequate in Cherise’s eyes and his concern about losing her, Cherise finds it hard to believe Samuel really cares underneath all of his silence. The therapist explores her experience and returns to the pain she feels. Choose an empathic conjecture the therapist could use to help Cherise expand her experience of Samuel and her pattern of demanding in the face of his silence.

“You never really saw men caring for you in your family growing up and it’s hard to really trust Samuel when he says he cares and really wants to be with you but doesn’t show it?”

“It makes sense that you would find all this talk about Samuel’s care and concern difficult to believe, when most of what you have known is his silence.”

“It’s hard to believe he cares, and it’s like it’s hard to hope he cares, especially when he is quiet. One part of you wants to believe him, but the other is saying don’t believe it, it’s not true. Those are just words. So you want to keep pushing/ checking if he will respond.”

“He has wounded you and you need to protect yourself. It is hard to see his vulnerability because of your own hurts.”

64.

As treatment progresses, it becomes clear that Cherise’s doubts and fears about her trust of Samuel also reflect her underlying feelings of shame and questions of personal worth. Choose an empathic conjecture that will invite Cherise to explore this further.

“Sounds like you are afraid that Samuel won’t be there for you, but I also hear that you are afraid you are not worthy of his care.”

“I think anyone would question whether she can trust given what you have been through, but I wonder if you have trouble trusting him because you wonder if you really are lovable.”

“So it’s like this fear keeps you apart, and it’s hard to trust to open up to him, but it also seems, and I may not have this right, but it seems like a part of you is afraid. Afraid to risk being open / seen / not sure if he will really want you/if you are really enough?”

“And it seems like it is really, really hard to show him the soft, tender, vulnerable place in you that wants to connect, is that it?”

65.

The therapist works to further expand this vulnerable moment for the couple by seeding attachment. Select the intervention below which best fits this intervention and this scenario.

“So you could never say to him, ‘I am too scared to let you in.’ I am scared that I will disappoint you, and I want to be there for you, but if I reach and you turn away.…It would be too hard to say, ‘I am too scared to let you in.’ Right?”

“So you could never say to him, ‘I can’t tell you what I really feel because of the messages I had from my family that I was not good enough.’”

“So you could never say to him, ‘It is not just about you. I have insecurities, too.’”

. So you could never say to him, that you really mattered and that your needs were important.

66.

You are working with Mark, who frequently attacks his partner, Julie, when she asks him about his feelings toward her. He reveals that he feels out of control in these conversations.

Form an empathic conjecture that will draw him to the leading edge of the loss of
control feeling.
Now write an empathic conjecture that will help this partner explore the ways in
which his anger functions as a defensive strategy.
Form an empathic conjecture that will help Julie connect her anxious pursuit of
Mark to her questions about Mark’s feelings regarding the relationship.
Form an empathic conjecture that connects Julie’s need for reassurance to an attachment-related fear or fantasy.
Mark later explores his own pattern of attack followed by withdrawal in the relationship. He touches on the loneliness and frustration he feels when he comes up against an
impasse and is unable to comfort her after an argument. Form an empathic conjecture
that will help Mark connect his loneliness to an attachment-related theme.
Now take the attachment-related theme you used for Mark and write a seeding
attachment conjecture.

67.

Imagine you have a couple that has begun to make changes. The withdrawn partner is reengaging the relationship and has been more forthcoming with his needs and hopes for the relationship. At the same time, his wife, who is now getting what she said she wanted from him, now shifts between receiving this new attention and distrustful rejection of his attempts. She concludes: “How do I know he is really sincere?” Compose a disquisition that includes:

Acknowledgment of the client’s difficulty in trusting these new changes.
A description about how other clients have had similar struggle.
Either describe a particular client’s experience or describe the general experience of
pursuers to the engagement of a withdrawer.
Be sure to include reference to emotions underlying the distrust of this change.
Mark later explores his own pattern of attack followed by withdrawal in the relationship. He touches on the loneliness and frustration he feels when he comes up against an
impasse and is unable to comfort her after an argument. Form an empathic conjecture
that will help Mark connect his loneliness to an attachment-related theme.
Now take the attachment-related theme you used for Mark and write a seeding
attachment conjecture.

68.

Which of the following therapist’s statements is an appropriate self-disclosure for the therapist who is seeking to intensify the validation of the client’s emotional experience?

Select the most appropriate response:

I hear what you’re saying. I used to struggle to stay in touch with my anger, but I was able to work through it, just like you are doing here

It has been my experience that many couples get stuck right where you are and I just want to encourage you to recognize that sharing your feelings is part of working through this stuck place you are in.

When I hear you talk about being stuck, and I see one of you reaching out and the other holding back, it seems sad to me. I feel this sadness in the room right now

I know what you mean. My wife and I had the same argument last week and I can identify with the blamer role because she tends to withdraw when we talk about sex.

69.

Which of the following therapist’s statements is an appropriate self-disclosure for the therapist who is seeking to intensify the validation of the client’s emotional experience?

Select the most appropriate response to help a client who is cut off from his anger
move closer to experiencing this feeling:

I have seen many men in your situation and they tend to withdraw rather than express their anger in order to protect their wives.

I know exactly how you feel. There are times in my relationship where I just can’t put words to my feelings, and I just shut down.

Men and women are different when it comes to conflict and many men have difficulty expressing their feelings directly.

Yes, I can see the position you are in, and why you say you need to pull away. So when I try to put myself in your shoes, a part of me understands how the distance is a solution but another part still feels the frustration and anger.