Blamer Softening Event - EFT Couple Therapy Switzerland

Check the responses an EFT therapist might make to help Marcus begin to imagine reaching to his wife in times of severe distress. The therapist wants to know if he has considered sharing with her during these times, and what that prospect is like for him. Look for responses that assess and yet invite him to experientially imagine this new way of interacting with his wife (more than one correct answer).

“Could you ever turn to Fresca and share with her about how overwhelmed you feel in these times?”

“Marcus, Fresca wants to be let in when these worries and fears invade you. This week she stood beside you and said, ‘What’s going on besides the anger?’ On another level she is saying, ‘Let me in.’ Right, Fresca?” (she nods). “She’s saying, ‘I want to be there and help you.’ What would it be like for you to try to let her in during these times?”

“Marcus, if you used ‘I’ statements and Fresca assured you that she would only listen and reflect back to you, would you try communicating like that with her next time?”

“You can’t let her in because she will only make fun of you, call you a loser, remind you of how you’ve failed. This is what you heard all through childhood, and you’re convinced that’s what you would get from her.”

“Fresca didn’t withdraw. My sense is she wants to be there for you, when you are overwhelmed, vulnerable, afraid and all. What would it be like to risk sharing your fears with her then? What would it be like to begin letting her in?”

“What thoughts came into mind when Fresca asked you what was going on besides the anger?”

Marcus, have there been times when you were able to let her in? Let’s look at what was different about those times?

Continuing in the scenario above, the therapist aids the more blaming spouse in experientially imagining what an initial bid to his spouse for attachment needs to be met might look like. Choose the EFT response below that best accomplishes this.

“What happens inside as you consider opening up to her during these situations?”

“Do you ever turn to Fresca and share what’s going on inside for you?”

“The cycle between you has changed guys. Fresca, it’s great how you stood your ground. It seems that you didn’t let Marcus’ anger push you to withdraw. Rather, you asked him to stop the anger and include you in what was perhaps underneath and bothering him. You want him to let you in, yeah? Do you hear her right now Marcus?”

“Marcus, during these intense situations, do you ever think of turning to Fresca and saying, ‘You know what, Hon, I’m struggling with all of this anxiety about this termite situation and the costs. And I am really dejected about the car. I’m still caught in all of that, you know, all those feelings that come up for me about money and my worth to you and the family. I am having such a hard time with it right now.’ That would have been really hard for you, yeah?”

Write two of your own processing possible blamer reaching responses to the above vignette. First, create your own brief reflection of the blamer’s cycle and underlying emotions. Second, write a brief “first-person” dialog that experientially walks the more blaming spouse through inviting the other to come close and comfort during overwhelming times. When finished, compare your responses with a sample response given in the answer section

Response 1
• Create a brief cycle summary with underlying emotion:
Create a first-person dialog inviting the other in:
Response 2
Create a brief cycle summary with underlying emotion:
Create a first-person dialog inviting the other in:

Based in Marcus’ responses in the above paragraph, choose the EFT responses from the list below: (more than one correct answer)

“I don’t know, help me out here, but it sounds like you are dealing with this all alone.” (Marcus nods yes)

“Have there been times when you have been able to let her in? What was different about those times?”

“Okay, I don’t think you should let her in. Neither of you can handle it. It’s just too much. I want each of you to promise me that you will not talk about what is really happening for either of you when these kinds of situations arise.”

(slower) “It’s like one part of you says, ‘Well that would be pretty scary to do because suppose I did it wrong; or suppose I got aggressive like I have in the past; or suppose I just lost it and looked like a real “loser.”’ Right? That goes through you?” (he nods; slowly and softly) “This would just be too risky… too scary.”

“It’s like a part of you says, ‘Oh no you don’t. You’re not sharing this. Not this! You could get hurt way too badly. Stop now!’ Right?” (he nods) “And you run to your anger. This fear is big.”

“You guys have made real progress here. But it looks like there needs to be this one more step. Fresca, you are there, standing with Marcus, asking to be let in. But Marcus, you get scared, right?” (he nods; softer) “Help me understand this fear, what happens inside when you are really overwhelmed and Fresca says, ‘Hey Marcus, here I am. Please let me in. Can you hear me?’ What happens?”

“This fear sounds like a regular and uninvited guest to your story. It sneaks up on you and really hampers you. Have you ever ganged up on this fear? Shown the fear who’s boss?

Among the selections below, select the two empathic conjecture/interpretations that best seek to help the client take one step further into her experience.

(softly) “It seems to me that you get to this point, when he is there wanting to understand, and you either show anger or go silent. I don’t know, help me here if I am wrong, but, I am wondering if there is a part of you that really gets scared during these moments. A part that that says, ‘You had better not risk this.’ Is that close?”

(softly to engaged withdrawer) “It must be terribly difficult for you to want so badly for your wife to let you in when she is struggling so, only to have her get angry, or shut you out. How do you cope with this?”

(softly) “I am going out on a limb here a bit, so please help me out. I wonder if a part of you really gets scared when he is there, and you are faced with all of these things that overwhelm you. I mean at a level that perhaps you rarely allow yourself to touch. I wonder if this fear tells you that you had better not open up to him. Can you help me here?”

(softly) “It seems to me that you say you want him to be close, but then when there is a chance you sabotage it. You are withholding yourself from him. I think you are being dishonest with your husband. Let’s not waste our time here. It’s time to come clean like adults.”

Write two of your own brief summary reflections and empathic conjecture/interpretations to help the client above begin to take one step further into his experience of fear that is blocking possible connection with his wife. When finished, compare your responses with the sample EFT response provided in the answers section.

Choose the EFT response below that further processes the more blaming partner’s fears of reaching with empathic conjecture followed by heightening.

“It’s just too scary. You just can’t bring yourself to risk.”

“Help me out here, but it’s like this part of you stands up and says, ‘Don’t you dare share how afraid or scared you are! If you show him your “underbelly” he’ll belittle you, or ignore you.’ Right? This part piles on and says, ‘What good would it do anyway? Don’t you dare do it. He won’t be there. He won’t care. Don’t you hope for that.’ It’s just too scary for you let him in. The stakes are just too high, too painful.”

“You’re so disgusted at him that you aren’t convinced turning and sharing this with him would do any good, right? You’ve tried this before, and he only dismisses you. Time and time again you’ve risked with him and he just doesn’t get it. He’ll never get it.”

“This is the point in the cycle where you guys never seem to be able to ‘break through’ and risk sharing your underlying emotion with each other. You usually choose to attack him, which covers up your fears. All he sees is your anger though, which compels him to protect and withdraw. This keeps both of you ‘locked out’ so to speak. Suppose I had a magic wand, and I waved this magic wand and a miracle occurred. The miracle resulted in this dilemma being solved. Suppose now that happened. What would now be different? How would you know that this dilemma between you was solved?”

Choose which heightening responses address negative views of other and which address negative views of self. Write your answers at the end of each response.

“It’s so hard for you to risk turning to her. The stakes are so high. She could really hurt you. She means more to you than anyone else, and you desperately want to reach to her, for it to be safe. But the part of you that is afraid keeps saying, ‘Don’t! Don’t! Don’t!’”

“You see him standing there, arms open. He’s saying, ‘Risk it honey. I’ll be here for you. You can count on me.’ But a part of you is saying, ‘No, you can’t risk it. He won’t be there. No one has ever truly been there. It’s too scary, too risky, it could hurt too much.’ Is that close?”

“You’re saying, ‘I know she is there. I believe her. It’s not that, it’s that no one has really ever been there and cared for me.’ A part of you says, ‘Maybe there’s something wrong with me. Maybe I am too strange, kind of unlovable.’ Is that some of what goes on?”

“You’re saying, ‘I see you there, and I hear that you want me to risk letting you in. But I am so afraid. My parents let me down and hurt me so badly. I risked with my father and he left me all alone, crushed. I vowed that I would never let anyone hurt me that badly again. And here you are, asking me to risk with you? It scares me to death.’ Am I getting it?”

“Of course this is very hard for you. Of course it’s very scary. How could it not be? Bill has not been there in the past. For years you’ve had to go at this all alone. When you were sad, he was not there. When you were in pain, he was not there. You learned to cope without him. You gave up on your dreams for the two of you. Now, suddenly, he says that he is there, and that he wants you to let him in, after all these years. A part of you says, ‘He will hurt you again. You can’t count on him. Play it tight to the chest, play it safe.’ Right?”

“Bill is here asking you to reach for him, to count on him, to let him in. But no one has really ever cared that much for you. No one has ever really cherished you just because you are who you are. Your mom died at an early age, and you two weren’t close. Your dad drank and abused you. That’s what men have done to you for most of your life, right? And so now as Bill stands here wanting you to share your heart with him, to risk sharing your fears and longings with him, you find it very hard to believe that he really wants you, that he really loves you. It’s so scary for you to let yourself even begin to believe that anyone could possibly love you wholeheartedly. Am I hearing you?”

Using the transcript above, use “parts language” (i.e., “One part of you says...but another part says.…”) to: (a) briefly reflect Marcus’ fears/negative view of other; (b) heighten his fears/negative view of self. Try to incorporate “first-person dialog” as part of this heightening. Seek to bring the attachment fears and longings to a “boiling point”; (c) finish with an evocative response (i.e., “Is this close?”). When completed, compare your responses with one provided in the answer section.

Briefly reflect fears/negative view of other (use parts language) :
Heighten fears/negative view of self (use parts language and first-person dialog) :
A brief evocative response :

10.

Which of the following are typical therapist responses summarizing fears of reaching before initiating a softening enactment?

“So, to even consider turning to Fresca and saying, ‘Honey, I am just so scared right now. I am overwhelmed, I need a hug, a little reassurance. I am really doubting myself.’ That is really scary for you. This fear sort of paralyzes you, it keeps you alone in your doubts and fears, yeah?”

“You never show him this part of you, this part that says, ‘Don’t you dare open up to him again. You’ll get stabbed in the heart. It just hurts too much to risk.’ You never let him in when this part raises its head. You never say, ‘I am really scared right now that you can’t be trusted. Could you please reassure me now?’ You never say that, right? Because that is just too scary, too…precise…too…on the money?”

“If we’re going to be truthful here, you have to be honest with her. The fact is you don’t trust her. You’re not convinced that she has changed. You are being just selfish enough to not give her the chance to hurt you again, is that it?”

“She has asked for your forgiveness many, many times. She has done as much as she can to prove to you that she is trustworthy. And yet, you stay here, unflinching. Unforgiving. What will it take from her for you to honestly forgive her? I can’t make you do it, and neither can she. You have to take the risk.”

“So this is very dangerous territory for you, yeah? You see that she is here, right now, wanting you to come out and be with her. A part of you sees that and for the most part believes that. But there is this other part that really protects you, and it is screaming, ‘No one has ever loved you. No one ever will. The only safe game in town is to hide, whether in anger or silence.’ Right? So this indeed is dangerous territory.”

“Has there ever been a time where you have been able to open up to him during these episodes? What was different about those times? How did you do that?”

“Bill, I’d like for you to play her father for a minute. Elisa, look at him now. He is not the way he was before, he is your father, there to accept you and hold you. Do you see that in your father’s eyes now? Bill, what did you feel as Elisa was doing this?”

“This week, Lucinda, you noticed at one point when the cycle was starting to happen that you felt afraid that Juan may leave again. But this time you didn’t attack him, or go silent. This time you said, ‘Honey, I am getting scared that you might leave me. The rational side of me knows that we are just arguing, but there is another part of me, a bigger part, that is scared. Could we stop arguing for now and could you reassure me?’ How was that for you, to risk reaching from within your fear?”

11.

From the list below choose the EFT responses typically used in the actual blamer reaching theme (more than one correct answer).

“Could you please turn to him and share with him how scary it is to reach out to him in these situations—in your own words?”

“Could you tell her, please?”

“If you were to reach out to him, what do you think he would think and say?”

“You’ve shared with me how afraid and paralyzed you get by this fear. But it’s one thing to tell me, and quite another to tell her. Would you please, just now, turn and share this with her?”

(to engaged spouse) “What do you think is going through her mind as she considers reaching out to you?”

“Could you turn to her now and tell her how much you desperately need and want her to be there for you now, in your own words please?”

“I’d like for you to turn to him now and risk letting him in. Will you please now, in your own words, share with him what it’s like for you to even consider turning to him when you are so afraid, and how he can help you in this.”

“Yes, you’re very clear that you desperately need him to help you with your fear of him leaving, and the painful self-doubts about you in fact being deficient and undesirable. Will you please turn to him now and just start to share this with him? He’s there, and he’s said that he’s willing, if only you’ll risk. Look at him, do you see him? He’s inviting you. Please, share with him now about your fears and needs.”

“You talked about wanting him to just hold you and comfort you. Do you ever just ask him for that?” (client shakes head no) “Could you please turn and ask him for what you need now?”

12.

From the list below choose the EFT supporting softening blamer responses:

“That was really something there, Marcus. You really did it. You jumped out there and risked. What was that like for you?”

“I want to recognize what Marcus just did. Marcus, I think you really risked here, you really risked with Fresca. You asked her in. How was that inside for you?”

“Marcus, what you just did really was different from the way you learned to interact growing up. You would never have said that to your members of your family. You’re really starting to stand on your own two feet.”

“What could Fresca do to help you do this more? What would you like from her to help set the stage for you?”

“You just opened up to her, Marcus. You let her in on your fears. You asked her to come stand with you. How was that for you? What’s happening inside now?”

“Fresca, what was it like to hear this from Marcus?”

13.

From the list below choose the EFT processing with engaged withdrawer evocative responses:

“Fresca, has he opened up like this with your before?”

“Marcus, what did Fresca do that helped you risk and share like this?”

“What was it like for you Fresca, as Marcus shared with you how afraid he gets, how this fear grips him and tells him that you’ll look down on him as somehow weak. What happened inside as he showed this part to you just now?”

“What happened inside, Fresca, as Marcus just risked sharing with you how much he desperately craves your acceptance and reassurance. It’s like you have this balm of healing that he longs for, but a part of him is so afraid to ask for it. What was it like inside hearing this?”

“Fresca, can you now accept what Marcus just said? Remember, this is about accepting the differences between you. You accept that his needs are different than yours. You don’t have to agree with what he said, but it’s important that you each accept your individual differences in needs and perspectives. Can you state back to him his needs now from a stance of acceptance rather than blame or defensiveness?”

14.

From the list below choose the EFT reflective/questioning responses within processing with engaged withdrawer.

“When you hear him open up it actually pulls you toward comforting him?”

“Am I hearing this right? When in fact he shows you his fears, you want to then come and comfort him?”

“Are you able to accept that he gets afraid and feels weak?”

“What have you done in the past that has worked when he says these things?”

“Wow. I find this incredibly interesting. When he dares to show you his fear and his vital need for your reassurance and comfort, things that he fears will send you packing, it actually moves you toward comforting him?”

“Fresca, what do you think Marcus thinks is going on in your head right now? What do you think he thinks you will say?”