Deepening Engagement in Key Elements of Experience

In response to the above interventions, Louis states that sometimes leaving seems best—and that he feels angry for a moment but mostly he feels “small” when he realizes that he will inevitably fail the test. Check the responses the EFT therapist might make to deepen his experience. It is useful to think of going over and over an experience to develop it, much as you put a photo into a tray of developing fluid over and over again until the picture becomes more defined.

(in soft, low voice) “You feel small—small—how do you say this—that in this relationship you are often suddenly ‘small,’ powerless?”

“Is that ‘small’ like ‘not strong,’ ‘not competent,’ kind of helpless/hopeless, kind of vulnerable?”

“You will fail—that must be so painful, you will never make it with your wife. So you detach, tell yourself you could leave? But in fact you are here working on the relationship, trying. What words would you give to that pain when you ‘know,’ once again, you try, but will be tested and fail?”

“Does it feel better—more powerful, less hopeless—to say to yourself, ‘I don’t have to stay’? It’s the only way out of that pain and fear?”

In response to the above interventions, Louis agrees that he “detaches” (active-owned frame for this response; it does not happen to him) when he begins to feel “tested” and is “hypervigilant” for any sign of being judged. How might the therapist deepen and distill the attachment significance of this? Check the responses below that you think the therapist might use. If it is useful, you can also name the interventions.

Louis: “Well, it’s test, test, test.” (he jabs his hand into his other palm) “So, heh, I guess I get to—lets take stock here—not sure its good to walk back in. There is uncertainty, sure.”

“Ah-ha. You have reservations. You find it so very painful to be ‘tested’ and not pass the tests?” (he nods) “Can you actually say that—speak it—that you find it painful to always be expecting to be tested and to ‘know’ that you will fail, you will not pass? It is hopeless, so you are helpless, yes?”

“What happens to you as you say ‘test, test, test’ and jab your hand? It almost seemed like an angry motion, is that right?”

“I think you said, ‘It’s not good to walk back in’…it’s ‘uncertain,’ almost dangerous, is that it? Much too scary?”

“It must feel awful to begin to feel calmer and more civil and then to suddenly remember that there will be tests and you will not pass—that is very hard?”

“When you say that to yourself, ‘Here we go again, another test,’ and that sense of failure comes up, what happens? How do you deal with it?”

“Does it feel better—more powerful, less hopeless—to say to yourself, ‘I don’t have to stay’? It’s the only way out of that pain and fear?”

“To be tested and to know for certain that you won’t pass, you will fail, you will disappoint your wife—how does that feel for you? Can you let yourself feel what that is like for you?”

Louis then says, with tears in his eyes: “It hurts—scary to fail.” He uses a pushing-away motion with his hand. Check the most likely responses used to deepen his emotional experience further. (four correct responses)

“And when you feel that way—small, failed, hurt—that is scary—very scary. There is nothing you can do, nothing will work. Is that like: you have lost her already? You are helpless here?”

“Am I hearing: you get so hurt, you are afraid that you will never be ‘good enough,’ so you try to not want, to not care? Because it is so painful to try, to try to pass the test?”

“It’s too scary to keep on trying to get her love, her caring, acceptance. Sometimes it feels better to give up, to shut down, to talk of leaving, yes?”

“Scary like you will never get her love, it’s lost? Or perhaps scary like you are just not enough, not good enough, not lovable enough somehow? Is that it?”

“Do you see how your inability to stand up to her and tell her not to test you keeps you both in this impossible position?”

Louis: “I cannot bear to feel so small, so useless. I feel so worthless…can’t make it with you. It seems easier to shut down and give up.”

When Louis has been able to piece together his core emotional experience and how he now tries to deal with it (which ties into his stance in the marital cycle, his withdrawn detachment, and his threats to leave), and owns and experiences it, the therapist then moves to disclosure to the spouse. The EFT therapist might then say: (check the response that does NOT apply).

“So can you tell her, directly and assertively, ‘It’s too hard trying to pass the tests. If you cannot be less demanding, I will have to leave’?”

“Can you tell her, Louis, can you look at her and tell her, ‘I get so despairing of ever doing it right, passing the test. I get so defeated and hopeless, feel like such a failure, that I can’t bear it—the hurt, the hopelessness. So I try to let go, give up, not care so much.’ Can you tell her?”

“So can you risk sharing with her, Louis? Can you tell her, ‘I start to give up, not because I don’t care but because I feel so defeated, so uncertain of ever being able to please you I can’t bear it’?”

If Louis cannot seem to risk, and so avoids this disclosure) “Can you tell her, ‘It is too hard. I can’t look at you and tell you these feelings. I am too unsure, uncertain’?”

The therapist in the above interventions goes on a voyage of discovery with the client and tracks, reflects and repeats, evokes and deepens attachment-related emotions. The essence of these emotions is distilled and synthesized into a statement that:

Organizes and captures the client’s deeper emotions.

Recognizes the way of coping with these emotions that sets up this client’s responses in the couple’s negative cycle.

Meaning of these emotions for the client’s sense of connection with the spouse and with his or her own sense of self

The EFT therapist might make which of the following statements to begin to focus in on, deepen, and distill Harriet’s remarks? (All but two of those given below.)

“Can you name the main emotion that you feel here and then put it into an ‘I’ statement to your spouse?”

“Can you help me, Harriet? I think I hear that part of you says that you should be able to cope alone, and not be so hurt when you feel alone, but part of you is still dealing with feeling let down and abandoned in this relationship?”

“It’s hard for you to think of becoming a mother when you are not sure you can depend on Colin? You need to know that he is there for you?”

“You got let down—you lost lots when you moved here to be with Colin and you felt let down by him. And little things like him breaking a promise to make supper brings that up for you?”

“What happens for you, Harriet, when you say, ‘I don’t think he sees me…I got let down’?”

“You ask yourself if you are just an angry person, but you talk of being hurt and lonely.”

“Could you help me? What is ‘pathetic’? Is that like ‘sad’ and ‘small,’ not ‘big’ and ‘independent’?”

“All your hurt, all that feeling of Colin not being there for you, of you feeling abandoned—all that came up when he disappointed you around the supper?”

(Focus on the action tendency) “So when all this hurt came up, were you able to tell him, or did he see the ‘chip on the shoulder’ more?” (This could lead into how her fear of feeling/showing her hurt sparks off the couple’s negative cycle.)

“The anger and the talk about you should be independent is there, but there is also so much hurt, and feeling that, perhaps…perhaps when you need Colin, you will find yourself alone like before?”

“What happens to you, Harriet, as you say this? I notice you swallow, there are tears, but it’s hard for you to just let them show?”

“Can we put the feelings aside? On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is it that he didn’t make supper?”

Write out at least six ways that you would deepen and distill (perhaps put in the frame of attachment fears, losses, and needs) Harriet’s statement in the example above

Now see if you can write out two responses, using specific interventions, reflection and evocative responding to each of the client statements given below.

“I have been able to tell him, under all that criticalness was a lot of hurt and feelings
of being all by myself for so long, and bringing up the kids alone, but, I am not even
sure how to really talk about that—even now when he is more open, like he is now.”
“Once you have been let down like I have, well, even when things improve there is
a kind of reluctance. You might think of taking a few risks and getting closer, but…”

Check the ways that, as an EFT therapist, you might expand and intensify the Step 5 statement in the example above:

Repeat key phrases, as: “It’s easier to be physically alone than to hope for—expect— closeness and then you have him disappear, as in ‘now you see me, now you don’t.’”

Focus in on a poignant phrase or image—“Now you see me, now you don’t”—that captures a partner’s experience of relationship distress and develop it by unpacking it, especially using evocative images whenever possible.

Stay at the unclear edge of an experience and focus on it, using evocative questions and responses to develop it as: “‘Now you see me, now you don’t’—what is that? Can you help me understand that picture? Is it that he seems like he will be with me, but then he is gone?”

Evocatively focus on and develop the different elements of the emotion, with questions, evocative responding, and conjectures, as below. _____ a. “So when do you feel most alone, when is it hardest?” (focusing on the cue for the sense of aloneness/abandonment) b. “So how do you feel as you say this right now, that somehow it is like he is not with you ? Where do you feel it in your body?” (focusing on the bodily felt sense) c. “So what do you tell yourself when you feel this way?” (focusing on the reappraisal/ meaning making) d. “What do you do/want to do when you feel this way?” (focusing on the action tendency) e. “So is that the time when you start to grasp for him, try to get his attention, have him become clearer, in the hope that he will respond so you can see him?” (focusing on the consequence/context of experience; link to how the client responds to the other partner. A sense of being alone cues this client to attack and helps maintain the negative cycle with her husband.)

State the pain in the statement in more vivid obvious terms, a heightening reflection/ conjecture as: “It hurts to hope for closeness, to expect it, and then to have it disappear in a flash—it is there and then it is gone.”

Validate to heighten emotion/deepen engagement: “It must be so hard to expect and have the hope dashed, to see what you long for and have it gone, out of reach.”

Label the client’s experience—“You feel loss”—and encourage ventilation to create catharsis.

10.

Write out one response you might make to Sue’s statement (you can use some of the responses given above if you wish) and what you think/hope the client might say next

11.

A partner says: “I am not sure how I feel. I feel squirmy, uncomfortable.” (covers her face and addresses her partner) “Stop looking at me, okay! I think we have to go now.” Write out how you would phrase a conjecture to bring this emotion into the session and clarify it and then compare your version with the answer key in the back.

12.

A partner says: “Are you joking? You want me to open up to you at those times. That is wild. I don’t think so. Even if I could, it wouldn’t go anywhere. I’d get hammered.” (very quietly) “I couldn’t do it.” Write out how you would phrase a conjecture to bring this emotion into the session and then again compare your version with the one in the answer key.

13.

Write out a conjecture that you could make to Sarah now using one of the core emotions.

14.

Conjectures also link emotional realities to relational moves and patterns. The client, Sarah, says: “It was too much—terrifying.” Write out an interpretation that now links her fear to her responses to her spouse.

15.

Sarah’s partner, Sam, says: “Then she refuses to speak to me, only talks to me about chores and arrangements. So then I get very frustrated. Suddenly I have no wife, but I try to stay calm, even though the door is closed. I try to stay reasonable and talk to her about what is wrong.” Write a conjecture linking this partner’s emotional experience to his likely responses to his spouse.

16.

The last word of the 3 Ds set out at the beginning of this chapter is disclose. Disclosure in enactments is part of the process of restructuring interactions in EFT. It is also a process that deepens and clarifies the experience of emotion. Can you write out how you would set up an enactment, how you would help Sarah disclose to her spouse her emotions as expressed in the answer section in Exercise 21 above

17.

In Step 5 of EFT, as engagement with underlying core emotions deepens, attachment theory tell us to expect that the process of therapy will extend to an existential level that addresses working models as to the nature of others, the connection to others, and the value of the self

Attachment theory speaks of lack of connection as trauma, isolation as unbearable, and to how the self is defined in interactions with loved ones. Part
of the deepening and distilling process is including this existential level in validations
and conjectures at this point in therapy. Check the responses that make up these kinds
of conjectures in the examples below

“As you say this, Jane, as you shake your head and whisper, ‘I just can’t let myself feel it, say it, must zone out,’ I get the sense that this is a life and death matter for you. Something tells you that you must move away. Perhaps, in another place, it saved your life, being able to move away and ‘zone out.’ It feels like you must do it, seems like there is no other way, yes?”

“You speak of feeling upset, but this seems bigger than just upset, yes?”

“As you say this—as you say, ‘I don’t know how to let him in,’ I get the sense that this really is foreign territory for you. It’s like no one has ever been there for you— never. You never have let anyone in, there never has been anyone to really comfort and hold you?”

“You have never really had anyone to comfort and reassure you, someone who you know keeps you in mind, values you, sees you as precious. You have always had to fight to try to prove to you and everyone else that you were worthy.”

“This discomfort in your chest, is this like a sadness, a grief?”

“You have never been able to just rest in someone’s hands and let them hold you up? You have always had to be on guard, ready to fight. There was no safe place for you, and you long for this?”

18.

In Step 5, as part of the deepening process the therapist can also self-disclose as a way of leading the client to touch and process a difficult experience. Check the self-disclosures below that fit with the EFT model.

“I think it is best if you try again to use softened startup as you tell him your concerns. I might react negatively to your comments as framed.”

“I just get this sense that this is very hard for you right now. As I hear you describe your pain, I too begin to feel sad and a little overwhelmed. This is so hard.”

“You are somehow feeling ashamed, like you should not be afraid of risking with him? I know that for me there are times when I feel afraid of reaching out to my partner, even though I am strong and capable.”