Facilitating Acceptance - EFT Couple Therapy Switzerland

Check the answers below that you think are typical EFT therapist responses to the non-accepting reactions of the partner: (more than one correct answer)

“This is very hard for you. You’ve never heard these feelings and are very touched by his pain, but your own feelings of betrayal and pain are so strong you can’t reach for him. You’re pulled in two directions. Which feeling is strongest for you now?”

“When you hear his pain, the alarms go off in your head—‘don’t reach for him, you can’t trust him. He’ll hurt you again.’ There is no safe place for you; part of you wants to reach for him and the other part says don’t be a fool, he’ll hurt you again. That’s hard.”

“Do you see how by refusing to accept his softer feelings when he expresses them you turn him away and make his withdrawal all the more solid? It would be better if you could let him in and validate his feelings.”

“No wonder this is difficult for you. Your experience of him has always been that he is cold and stoic when you are upset and now you see his softer side. That’s very different. It is quite a difference in your experience of him. Yes?”

“Can you tell him, ‘I’m stuck—I don’t know how to respond to you? I want to reach for you but part of me says, “don’t, he’ll let you down and betray you again.”’?”

“Can you tell him, ‘Right now, I’m too angry to hear your pain? I want to reach for you but I can’t. I have to protect myself.’?”

“He shuts down and pulls away and ‘numbs’ out because he is so sensitive to how you see him. The ironic thing is that in some ways it is because he cares so much about how you feel that he pulls away. But it is hard to feel his caring when you still feel betrayed.”

Write a brief statement validating Len’s (observing partner’s) initial reactions and then refocus on Jody’s disclosures:

The therapist may focus on the word “scared,” saying to the Len, “Could you come back here a minute and, Len, could you help me? What’s it like to hear Jody say how scared she is, that she feels like she can’t ever say anything right?” The husband then responds by saying, “I don’t know. I guess I feel stuck. I feel bad for her, but I don’t know what to do. She says she feels scared, but she won’t talk. I’m at a complete loss as to what to do.” Write a brief statement using evocative responding and heightening to unfold and heighten the husband’s experience of feeling “stuck.”

When Jody says that she is scared because of never getting it right with Len, he has “no clue” as to how to approach her without making matters worse and having her “get crabby or withdraw.” Len expresses that he feels “stuck,” not knowing how to approach her. Tie Len’s non-accepting responses to the couple’s negative cycle and attachment experiences. Try including validating, empathic conjecture, and reframing.

Len says that Jody is “unreachable” and “not there.” He says that he feels like “a little kid groveling for attention.” Think of ways to gently challenge Len’s old models of Jody. Try highlighting the new view of her with its attachment implications and possibilities. Identify the type of interventions you used, before checking the answer. Typically, challenging old models includes evocative responding, empathic conjecture, and validation. Consider using these interventions in your answer

In this exercise, help the observing partner process their non-accepting experience.

Write a brief statement demonstrating how you might reflect and validate Tammy’s
non-acceptance (using validation and reflection).
What might you say to help Tammy unfold her reaction, her experience of Ron?
(reflection, validation, empathic conjecture, and evocative responding).
Use empathic conjecture and reframing to tie Tammy’s non-acceptance to both the
negative cycle and her attachment experience.
Tammy responds with: “This is too overwhelming for me right now. Yes, I’m angry,
and I don’t really believe that he cares about me. He left me. I didn’t want him to
leave.” Help Tammy formulate (own) her feelings and reactions and put them in an
attachment context of her experience and needs.
Having helped Tammy explore, unfold, and formulate her experience, now help her
create an enactment for her to engage Ron in a new way.