Relational Traumas And Wounds—Attachment Injuries

Attachment injuries can be most accurately described in the following terms:

They are potential bonding scenarios, where attachment needs are tangible, that turn into a nightmare of finding oneself alone, helpless, and desperate.

They are instances of general hurt and a reflection of a general lack of trust.

They are disappointments and are the primary cause of marital distress.

They are specific events that shatter attachment assumptions and plunge a vulnerable spouse into isolation and helplessness.

They are moments of abandonment, where a spouse fails to respond at a moment of urgent need.

They are not defined by a set of content features, but by their attachment significance.

These injuries shatter a basic sense of trust and block relationship repair.

When these events arise in the therapy process, they will remind the therapist of the symptoms of posttraumatic stress in the following ways:

The injured spouse reports flashbacks or intrusive memories and ruminates on the injurious event. They cannot “let it go.”

The injured spouse appears disorganized. She or he flips between clinging to and distancing the other, since the other is paradoxically both the potential solution to and source of fear

The injured spouse, especially when there is a potentially risky engagement with the other, numbs out and avoids the risk.

The injured spouse avoids any situation where he or she is “in the hands” of the other.

The injured spouse shows exaggerated sensitivity and hypervigilance for any further signs of abandonment and betrayal.

Identify the attachment injury statements below:

“You are always saying hurtful things. You just brush me off. I feel hopeless.”

“And then, as I told you the diagnosis—the ‘sentence’—you got all cold. You just stepped away and said, ‘Oh don’t panic. It will be okay.’ And then you ignored me, focused on all the details of the tests and how to arrange them. I was alone.”

“You drove me to the hospital. I was in labor. And you left me there. I asked you to hold me, but you didn’t. You asked how long it would be and then you left, to finalize that so-important deal. And I had the baby by myself. Something shut down in me that night. And we have never been able to talk about it. Something is still bitter—hopeless. I gave up on us.”

“‘Never again,’ I said. Not after that time when our little one was so ill—never again would I count on you. And I never have.” (Becomes very still, quiet, and distant.) “I thought he was dying.” (Voice becomes hard and fast.) “But we have worked together. We made it—sort of.”

The first two steps in the resolution of these injuries are:

The therapist reflects the negative cycle and its attachment significance.

The therapist creates an enactment where the injured person tells the other how hurt he/she is.

The therapist helps a partner stay in touch with a compelling emotional reaction that captures a relationship trauma and begin to articulate its impact and its attachment significance.

The therapist confronts the partner about their betrayal of the injured spouse.

The therapist helps the other partner hear and acknowledge the injured partner’s pain and see it in attachment terms—as a reflection of the injured partner’s need for caring.

The next two steps in the resolution of attachment injuries are:

The therapist discusses the rewards of striving for forgiveness to both.

The therapist coaches the offending spouse in how to make an apology.

The therapist helps the injured one move to a complete, clear, and integrated expression of his or her loss and pain.

The therapist relates the injury to deeper childhood wounds.

The therapist supports the other spouse to stay engaged, own responsibility, and express regret, remorse, and grief.

The final two steps of the process of forgiveness and reconciliation and healing the attachment injury are:

The creation of a contract to make sure similar injuries do not occur.

The therapist slowly, step by step, structures an enactment where the injured spouse can ask for comfort and caring—the caring that was needed at the time of the injury.

The couple agree to forgive each other and to make amends.

The therapist helps the injuring spouse to respond lovingly. This creates an antidote event. The therapist helps the couple construct a new narrative of the event.

The important outcomes of this process are:

That the relationship is defined as a potential safe haven.

That basic trust is restored between the spouses.

That the injury is better understood and forgiven.

That the impasse is overcome and partners can complete the EFT process.

That positive cycles of bonding and connection can then occur.

That a clear coherent narrative of the injury is integrated into the relationship context and is owned and accepted by both partners.

Forgiveness is clarified by the attachment-injury concept in the following ways:

Helps us understand the nature of the negative events that call for forgiveness.

Integrates forgiveness and injury into a broader theory of marriage and love.

Helps us outline the critical elements in the forgiveness process.

Helps us understand how to translate forgiveness into reconciliation.

Allows for the outlining of the key interventions in the interpersonal process of forgiveness.

Take the example given in Exercise 4, No 3 above, “You drove me to the hospital…” and write out five responses you might make to this statement that will distill this pain and the impact of this event and place it in an attachment frame. For example, the therapist might say, “You were alone and scared. He wasn’t there. And after all these years there is still something ‘bitter,’ something that comes up whenever you need to count on him, something hopeless? What happens to you right now as you talk about this?”

10.

Formulate the ideal dialogue that would occur in the final enactment that provides an antidote bonding event for this couple.